by Deborah Rebolloso
Age-related hype abounds, raking in $billion$ for the cosmetic surgery industry.В The scare tactics themselves are enough to accelerate aging.В вЂњThe Wrinkled Weebis and Other Dead Giveaways,вЂќ is a farcical romp into this wacky world, along with some clever, and less costly, alternatives.
вЂњShe walks in beauty, like the night,вЂќ gushed Lord Byron. Enter the loveliest of women:В svelte and youthful, adroit evader of, to the envy of all her friends, underarm dingle-dangle. Ahhh.
Now exit said glamour puss. Uh-oh. Get a loada that cubitus.
A largely forgotten body part betrays the passing of oneвЂ™s young buckette stage:В the cubitus, known in polite circles as the elbow, and its surrounding skin, the weebis. For most women, however, elbow ennui ranks right up there with fear of pleated palms.
According to an Internet write-up on brachioplasty (upper arm tightening, taking elbow skin along for the ride), вЂњthe resulting scar is not always satisfactory.вЂќ IвЂ™d love to see one of those вЂњsatisfactory scars.вЂќ
So, before enriching yet another cosmetic surgeon by scheduling a weebisectomy, consider some whimsical, and less costly, options.
Gloves cover a multitude of sins, from armpit to nail tip. Gloves are in, and elbow gloves shout retro glamour. Prom night. When the deep purple falls. Twilight time. You get the picture.
As of the date of this writing, an eBay search landed a whopping 317 pairs, many of them Buy It Now bargains. Pair them with a sleeveless dress if youвЂ™re underarm dingle-dangle-free. If not, a below-the-elbow dress and above-the-elbow glove combination has you covered.
Terrycloth wristbands are soft, stretchable and widely available. Instead of encircling the wrist, move them up to the crook of the arm, thus covering unsightly elbows while making a quirky fashion statement. Here are some colorful choices to accessorize your favorite outfits, at only $3.00 per pair:
Stool Pigeon Hands
LetвЂ™s say we keep problem elbows covered. Or alternatively, we never let anyone get behind us (a strategy learned early on by big city dwellers). WeвЂ™re still not out of the age detection woods.
Think you can outwit an eagle-eyed cosmetician in the Guess My Age Game? Guess again. While youвЂ™re mentally botoxing your face into ten years younger submission, sheвЂ™s shooting stink eyes at your hands.
Upper arms and elbows may be taut and toned and forearms a vision, but the hands dangling therefrom are dead giveaways if they resemble an East Coast road map.
Once again, itвЂ™s gloves to the rescue. Fingerless gloves highlight exquisite nails, while simultaneously camouflaging the path thereto. Armpit gloves, although difficult to explain unless youвЂ™re a debutante or a bride, are nevertheless a clever disguise. Wear them with head held high and inspire awe with your impeccable taste.
Hand hype aside, the neck may in actuality be the first observable area to crumple. Short of maintaining a perpetual under-bite jaw jut for neck-stretching purposes, what hope is there for an elephant knee look-alike neck?
Unlike French women, who would rather give up food and wine than scarves, American women often underestimate their value.
HereвЂ™s an ascot tie, guaranteed to camouflage the most blatant poultry neck with grace and style:
On days when you just canвЂ™t spare the time to tie, circumvent the problem with an all-encompassing turtleneck. A turtleneck will obscure everything from chin to waist. A long-sleeved turtleneck will conceal multiple problem areas:В turkey neck, flab arms and a wrinkled weebis. Don gloves and youвЂ™ll dazzle вЂ™em.
Hats with Veils
If you happen to be a beekeeper, a good bee hat and veil will shield your tender neck from sun, wind, and pesky bee bites. Even if beekeeping doesnвЂ™t interest you, beekeeping accessories are available for sale to the general public.
HereвЂ™s a lovely model worn by a male, but you get the idea. No way will any jealous female get her prying, guess-your-age eyes past this baby.
If these solutions to your dead giveaways are just too daunting, perhaps youвЂ™d be wise to heed OscarвЂ™s advice in The Odd Couple. When Felix was exhibiting self-absorbed, obnoxious, and debilitating behavior, Oscar snapped, вЂњLeave yourself alone!вЂќ
Deborah Rebolloso is a native Chicagoan, currently residing in Southern California with LUV, Snuggle Lee Butts, and Kali Ko (husband, cat, and cat, respectively).В A.k.a. Deb Reb, ever resourceful, she shrewdly decided to cash in on her “sassitude” and write humor and satire.В She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Or you can visit her site at http://www.DebRebollosoHumorMe.com