By Deb Rebolloso
I rotated my shoulders. I twitched my head. I stretched my neck. I yanked my collar.
What inspired these strange contortions? A New Wave exercise class? A dance contest for the upper torso? Nothing so exotic, sorry to say.
These gyrations, performed during a rush-hour freeway frolic, were provoked by a neck-gouging blouse label. Observing this jerk-and-flail marathon, fellow drivers undoubtedly assumed I was transporting a swarm of angry bees.
After 40 minutes of woeful writhing, my nuisance saturation point had been reached. Wrenching my hands from the steering wheel at 70 m.p.h. (Not a Closed Course. Do Not Attempt), I yanked the offending scrap of cloth out, leaving four telltale, you-yanked-your-label-out holes. Immediately my day, no, my life, took a turn for the better.
Speaking of scrap, wouldnвЂ™t you just love to scrap all feminine frippery that causes pinching, constricting, choking, itching, and the piГЁce de rГ©sistance, pain?
Admit it, Ladies. WeвЂ™ve been enduring these afflictions since we donned our first bra. Who decreed that decorating the female of the species must involve suffering? And how did we become subjects of this Reign of Pain?
Men wouldnвЂ™t put up with such folderol, and they look good, so why do we allow it be foisted upon us?
Irritating embellishments include pinching earrings, choking chokers, binding waistbands, cramping shoes, itchy wool, constricting wigs, scratchy stitchery, and hiking underwear. Wishful thinking aside, itвЂ™s naГЇve to assume that attire will become вЂњbroken in.вЂќ WeвЂ™ll be broken long before it will.
This is not a pitch for any form of feminist rebellion, refusal to groom, or license to corner the market on baggy sweats and flip flops.
Sweats generate sweat (thence the name). Flip flops are uncomfortable under the best of circumstances, with the toe-thongy thingy rubbing a blister, as thongs do wherever they happen to be placed.
ItвЂ™s a call to choose ensembles both becoming and soothing, embracing the conviction that clothing ourselves need not be grievous, harrowing, or dangerous.
IвЂ™ve compiled a list of Top Ten Adornment Sooper Dooper Bloopers for your reading pleasure.
1.В В В Push-Over Bras
A little uplift is, well, uplifting, but those up-and-over-the-top derrick devices masquerading as lingerie strain credulity (and the bodice).
2.В В В Corsets
A cut above the Push-Over Bra, a corset not only hoists the bosom up, leaving spillage in its wake, but clamps everything from ribcage to hip in a vise-like grip. Perhaps Katie Scarlett OвЂ™HaraвЂ™s rancor in Gone with the Wind emanated not solely from unrequited love, but also her circulation-strangling corset.
вЂњYou leave me breathlessвЂќ should not apply to our skivvies.
3.В В В The Tights That Bind
Leg lingerie is making a long-overdue comeback. Those out of the hosiery habit, however, may recollect the luxury of hose, while forgetting its ofttimes waist-to-toe chokehold. Binding legware runs a close second to a cramping corset for triggering вЂњhaving a miserable dayвЂќ potential.
4.В В В Thongs (aka DerriГЁre Floss)
Anyone whoвЂ™s worn one for more than 2.5 seconds needs no convincing.
5.В В В B&B Wax
Not Bed & Breakfast floor polish, but bikini and Brazilian waxes. Warm (read, HOT) wax is applied (Yee-ouch!) onto terrain that, if we havenвЂ™t taken full leave of our senses, is better left demurely concealed.
Inevitably, all waxing is followed by waning, inflicting further rounds of Yee-ouching while passing through the Catching-On-Your-Undies-Reforestation Phase.
Will the next money-grubbing craze feature hot tar and feathers? And will we, like salmon swimming against the tide, have the strength to resist?
6.В В В Chokers
The very name inspires visions of villainy.
7.В В В Wigs
At first glance, a wig may appear to be a Good Hair Idea on a Bad Hair Day.
However, along with inducing heat stroke (unless, of course, worn during ChicagoвЂ™s six-month winters), and scalp itch (witness the telltale pencil-under-the-wig maneuver), what the uninitiated fail to consider is that the superfluous tresses must remain in place all day. Any attempt to remove the thatch before day end results in a fate worse than Hat Hair:В Mane Mash.
8.В В В Multitudinous Extraneous Anatomy Apertures
So few can boast that all the holes in their heads (or other regions of their topography) are blessedly God-given. Lip rings, nose bones, and other quirky piercings abound.
Each pelt puncture, like surgery, leaves an imprint on the body ranging from uncomfortable to agonizing. And like diamonds, minus the beauty, scars are forever. Choose wisely.
9.В В В Strappy Sandals
At the risk of inciting a loud cry of outrage, let me explain. If given a thumbs up from oneвЂ™s hips, back, and equilibrium, stilettos and platforms elongate the leg, requiring as they do a ladylike (now thereвЂ™s a quaint word) gait.
The rub arises when footwear boasts a mere one or two angel hair straps. Foot slippage and veerage ensues, pitching the unfortunate victim into klutzy footwork thatвЂ™s anything but ladylike.
10.В В В A tie at #10 are skirts that ride up, tops that creep down, wrap dresses that unwrap, and any item of clothing passing itself off as вЂњOne Size Fits AllвЂќ (all what?).
If an item of clothing doesnвЂ™t make you look forward to getting dressed in the morning, or cannot be stretched, loosened, hitched, or fixed, scrap it.
Please stay tuned for next monthвЂ™s sequel, вЂњClassy Lessons from Classic Movies,вЂќ for tips on glamorous adornment, minus vexation and overprice daunt.
Deborah Rebolloso is a native Chicagoan, currently residing in Southern California with LUV, Snuggle Lee Butts, and Kali Ko (husband, cat, and cat, respectively).В Aka Deb Reb, and ever resourceful, she shrewdly decided to cash in on her “sassitude” and write humor and satire.В She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.В Or you can visit her site at http://www.DebRebollosoHumorMe.com